Forgive me in advance, for I might take you all over the place.

I've reached this point of frustration in my life and I'm just done. I wake up every morning so ready to walk away from everything that I know here in Los Angeles. And every day the dream to leave feels more like a reality. I finally have a decent income and valuable work experience and references--things that are helpful, even necessary for making a big move, another thing that I could use is more contacts in the city that I'll move to. But I'm working on it.

Los Angeles has the dream that's anchored me here for so long (not to mention family & friends), but if I'm successful (which I plan to be) frequent trips back to Los Angeles is not beyond the realm of possibility. What makes Los Angeles different from any other major US city?

There's also this small detail that I'm not sure I want to be anchored anywhere at all. Who knows how realistic that is. One step at a time.

My frustration is more than just my residence in this city. It also has to do with my writing.

Yes, it's true, I'm writing more frequently now than I was two years ago, but it's not enough. Too often I avoid writing, instead I spend my time working or working out or helping out or hanging out or going out or sleeping.This needs to stop. I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'd rather avoid everything from my past than write about it, but the story still moves me.

Sometimes I just want someone there to (figuratively) hold my hand while I write about all this really heavy stuff like death and suicide and depression and abuse and rape, starring pimps and drug dealers and felons and (ex) gang members and other deviants.

Sometimes I laugh about it all. I don't know that that's healthy.

There's also the fact that, I think all this time I've still been searching for the hero of my story. But I don't need one. I finally get to be the heroine of this story.

Which is to say, finding & falling in love is no longer a priority. There is more than one solution to a problem. Maybe I won't have my own family in the way that I imagined, but that doesn't mean all hope is lost.

Just the idea of welcoming someone new into my life is not appealing at all.

So my goals: write more, sleep less, put no effort into finding love, it'll come.

This is not goodbye.

This is I need space and I need time.

I desperately need to find my peace. I need to mend my heart, my spirit, my soul. And right now there are too many distractions in my life.

So I need to take a step back and focus on what really matters. 

My heart's been a revolving door of broken & I question my existence too many times in a day. I'm searching for ways to come to terms with my past. I need to find my light.

I've spent the past few months getting to know a God I never believed in, one I was never introduced to. While it brings me some sort of peace to be in church listening to His word, it still feels a little forced. Maybe I need to put more effort into it, spend more time with Him. Or maybe I need to continue searching for a faith I better identify with. Maybe religion isn't the answer. But I don't know what I don't know.

I want to be a better person.

I want to feel whole

so maybe I'll start with meditation.

Tattooed across my arm, the words “have faith”. This is a reminder, not a tribute to my religious convictions, not another mark to adorn my body with.

But I still forget sometimes.

Truth is I get impatient, insecure, start suffering from FOMO.

 I get so caught up in what I want and where I want to be, that I forget that there’s a process.  Everything in life happens for a reason.

I have this habit of referring to past relationships as time wasted. I think it has to do with the fact that I want a family. I thought I’d be there by now, but I don’t feel like I’m anywhere close and that scares t̶h̶e̶ ̶h̶e̶l̶l̶ ̶o̶u̶t̶ ̶o̶f̶  me.

But nothing in life has turned out exactly the way I’d planned it.

I thought I’d be more independent, more established, better traveled by now. All that feels like its right at my fingertips, but the possibility of having a family seems to be slipping further and further away.

I have to have faith in the process, to remember that these failed relationships were not a waste of time. I’ve learned and developed as a person significantly because of them. They gave me life experience (and stories for days) and I need to keep this in mind. I also need to have more faith in myself. I need to keep believing that I’m making the right decisions. It’s all going to happen for me eventually, when the time is right.

I might not understand why things happen the way that they do, but I have to remember that I’m exactly where I need to be in all aspects of life.

Is it possible to just be friends? 

I've been having this conversation a lot lately. And while I want to believe that it can be possible, I've been proved wrong too many times. So I'm hesitant to build friendships with any man at all.

Because people lie, things change, boundaries get crossed constantly, and I don't need that complication in my life right now.

I've tried to make these friendships work but they've almost always failed eventually.

I guess I have this trust issue.

Because back in college one of my closest friends was a guy that I'd initially had feelings for but grew out of fast because he wasn't interested. We developed a close friendship because of our similar tastes in music and shared interests. I could tell him anything. I got too comfortable. He tried to fuck me twice, succeeded once. I never gave consent. And then nothing was the same.

Or what about that time when I met this guy who claimed to want to be my friend after I'd clearly stated that I was seeing someone. I naively believed for a moment that we could really be friends. It took him less than a week to show me otherwise. All he wanted to talk about were ways that he was romantic. Even though I emphasized several times that I was emotionally unavailable and just plain uninterested he sent several pleas for me to call him and apologies if he offended me. He also left a handful of voicemails, one in particular that scared me--he was crying.

Even distance hasn't been enough of a deterring factor for some guys to cross that line. It started out as what seemed to be a genuine friendship. I was interested in his development as a writer, maybe he was also interested in mine. I found in him someone to converse with about writing and reading but also about life. I cared about his success & well being (I still do) but I was never going to be romantically invested in him. At that point I was in love, in a serious relationship I thought was going to be for forever. He constantly disregarded this and admitted his feelings for me. When I couldn't reciprocate he dropped me altogether.

The point is that someone will always want more. Egos get bruised, feelings get hurt, boundaries get disregarded, and people lose self-control. It's difficult to let your guard down in that kind of situation. & it's difficult not to feel betrayed if something does happen.

Your issue is that you have too much faith. Is there such a thing? Maybe not.

Different approach.

Your problem is no longer that you doubt yourself or that you question your likeliness of finding someone else who's interested. You know better now. You know you have options.

But you're not interested in those other options.

Because you've already made up your mind that this will work out. Because he said it would. Because you're willing to do everything in your power to make sure it does. Because. Because. Because.

You know you can do better, but you're not interested in better, you're interested in him. You have the smallest suspicion that this relationship won't work out because the signs are all there: he's not really ready for a relationship, he's too occupied with making paper, with himself, with changing you into the woman that he really wants. Not to mention that he doesn't care that he hurts you, that he tries to buy you with money and endless empty promises. That you feel just as empty when you're with him as you are without him.

You gave him your heart.

You have all the faith in the world that if you stand by him, if you just wait it out, everything will be okay. It's just stress. Just a phase. This will pass. Your relationship will revert back to what it was before he started taking you for granted. Before you got too comfortable.

But the truth is that he's already made up his mind. He mistakes your kindness for weakness and he wants a strong woman by his side. You're just there to fill the void in the meantime.

Somewhere along the way he lost his faith in your relationship, or maybe he never had it to begin with. You need to recognize this. Then you need to walk away; he's not worthy of your time.