I gave up. I stopped living. I became complacent with the manner in which life unfolded for me. I let go of all the little pieces that complete me.

I chose bliss. I chose acceptance. I chose to both want & to ask for less. It was easy. It was subconscious. IT would have gone unnoticed.

But I made the mistake of questioning why life seemed to be running so smooth lately. And then I spun into a state of crisis.

I came to a sudden stop when I realized that soon enough I'd be at the point of no return. I knew from experience that if I continued on in that fashion I'd lose the kind of faith that takes years to reclaim.

I don't remember a time in my life that I wasn't convinced that I was going to amount to something spectacular. I've always carried this crazy notion that the world was going to know my name. I wanted to see my name in lights. I dreamed I'd be center stage, all eyes on me, taking breaths away.

I don't reference my affair with the stage too often, but that will always be my core. It is where I found a voice for the first time, even if it wasn't mine. It is my joy, my laughter, my hatred, my love, all meshed into one. It's where my true identity begins.

What I'm saying is this: I lost sight of this dream & when I did I also lost sight of myself, the characteristics that make me distinct - my vulnerability, courage & strength, my resilience. 

I tried to choose bliss by letting go of all the little pieces that haunt me, the moments that nearly broke me. They are heavy & burdensome & sometimes still affect me in ways I wish they wouldn't.

But all these little pieces that I thought would be the death of me have become essential components of my identity.

For me, it will always be about finding balance.

Confession time:

I don't want to fall in love right now. I want lies. I want beautiful and blatant, straight out laughable lies. I want to play pretend, I want a married man. I want something that will so obviously never be mine.

I had it all once, I lost it trying to be what I thought was a decent human being.

But the truth, the absolute truth is that I can't. I cannot subject myself to the feelings of another human being right now. I can't deal with the expectations. They kill me. They leave me emptier than when I began.

I've spent the past several years under the control of men that, truth be told, I never wanted to begin with.

I was so damn scared of being alone. And then I was so damn scared of other people's feelings & of what others thought of me. I gave in every single time. I stayed longer than I should have. I settled for less. I complicated what should have been simple situations.

My bliss was cozying up next to & walking arm & arm on the sand with a man who never expected that I'd be his. Intention is everything. He was there so I could be just a little bit reckless & I was there because he knew chances were, when the night was over, he'd have  his happy ending. & as intimate as we were, it didn't get any more complicated than that.

Right now I think I just need the time & the space to figure my own life out. I found myself back in that dark spot, I can't say that I've fully recovered. I considered abandoning writing forever. I'm not convinced my words will ever really matter.

I'm not saying if I happen to stumble upon prince charming I won't go chasing after him, but let's just be realistic. I set myself  up for failure for a reason.