I chose bliss. I chose acceptance. I chose to both want & to ask for less. It was easy. It was subconscious. IT would have gone unnoticed.
But I made the mistake of questioning why life seemed to be running so smooth lately. And then I spun into a state of crisis.
I came to a sudden stop when I realized that soon enough I'd be at the point of no return. I knew from experience that if I continued on in that fashion I'd lose the kind of faith that takes years to reclaim.
I don't remember a time in my life that I wasn't convinced that I was going to amount to something spectacular. I've always carried this crazy notion that the world was going to know my name. I wanted to see my name in lights. I dreamed I'd be center stage, all eyes on me, taking breaths away.
I don't reference my affair with the stage too often, but that will always be my core. It is where I found a voice for the first time, even if it wasn't mine. It is my joy, my laughter, my hatred, my love, all meshed into one. It's where my true identity begins.
What I'm saying is this: I lost sight of this dream & when I did I also lost sight of myself, the characteristics that make me distinct - my vulnerability, courage & strength, my resilience.
I tried to choose bliss by letting go of all the little pieces that haunt me, the moments that nearly broke me. They are heavy & burdensome & sometimes still affect me in ways I wish they wouldn't.
But all these little pieces that I thought would be the death of me have become essential components of my identity.
For me, it will always be about finding balance.