I'm done.

I let all the words get to me.

I think something inside of me snapped yesterday. What was it that he said? That he wanted me to be stronger for myself, that I needed to show it. I nearly lost it, but I went to sleep instead.

This is what I do, I run instead of addressing the issue at hand. And now there are so many issues and now there are too many that need addressing.

So I'm done letting all the words, the negative comments, & criticisms bring me down. I'm done allowing myself to feel fundamentally flawed based on the words or actions of anyone other than myself. I will no longer stand for believing that I have to change in order to appease everyone around me. Forget that.

Because, here's the thing.

I actually like who I am.

Even though I've gotten myself into several messes & emotional ruin, I love that I am willing to take that chance. I love that I love, that I fall fast & I fall hard. 

I feel like I'm living & I think I might have finally found myself.

A couple of nights ago my soul came to life.

The last time I wrote I was in a dark place. I was contemplating my life, considering my death. I was looking for a  reason to stay & stay alive. I was willing myself to believe the idea that I could ever be worthy of all that I want & wish to achieve.

I can't claim that I've found my way back to the light, yet, but I'm a lot closer.

Let's go back to the other night.

The other night I found myself surrounded by strangers, but they felt so much more like my clan. They were artists, musicians mostly. They took my breath away. More importantly, they reminded me of my reason to stay alive: to create something beautiful to leave behind as my legacy.​

It's not that I forgot this, it's that I forgot how much someone can be affected by someone else's work.

The past month has been a blur. The last week has been a complete mess, but I found some clarity, learned some lessons, and finally allowed myself to be okay letting go.

Also, I have so many more stories to tell. <3​

I've been contemplating life a lot lately. Life and my inevitable death.

I've neglected a lot of things, people, dreams, obligations the past few weeks because I've been consumed with these contemplations.

But I haven't just been contemplating life & death, I've also been thinking about how best to translate these thoughts into equally powerful words. I've tried a couple times, but I've always faltered. This is all to say, I'm sorry for my absence, for allowing myself to be so weak willed.

What I know best are my lies. I've repeated them consistently for over half my life--so much so that they've become my truths, I don't know when this happened. But I've been falling apart at the seams for the entirety of my adult life, lately more rapidly than ever.

"You are not worthy."

This might have been my first lie, or the first one that mattered--the only one that's ever mattered maybe.

Because it's spawned so many other lies:

You will never be loved.
You have no options.
You have no other options.
You are not good enough.
You will never be good enough.

They are all the same lie, subtle differences that don't even matter.

Every once in awhile I'll tell myself a truth, but the lies are so ingrained into my psyche that I don't believe it, or if I do, it doesn't last for long.

Pair my lies with the fact that one of the only things I've ever wanted was to fall in love, to have a family to call my own and you get the mess that is my life: a life of settling and self sabotage. Pursuing men, boys?, who are no good, emotionally, physically, legally unavailable, abusive, not law abiding citizens, questionable vices, homophobes, low-key racists. All the while shying away from the "good" ones, because I am not now, nor have I ever been, worthy.

All this coming from the person who sees the best in even the worst people.

And maybe I'm contradicting myself here, but isn't life so contradictory? Isn't it messy & imperfect?

I guess a part of me knows, or at the very least suspects that I might be worthy, that I might deserve more than I allow myself to accept. But I'm afraid.

And so my actions, my actions are mostly reactions to my fear. And I'm so far gone, so far lost, i don't know how to or if I'll ever find my way.

So I've spent the past few weeks in my head, trying to make sense of all these things, trying to will myself to stay alive, trying to will myself to stay. And as much as I love, as much as I care about the people in my life, as much as I want to make them proud, to keep them safe, to be well for them, I can't take them into consideration any more. I realize that to do so is to carry too much of a burden on my shoulders.

I choose to stay & stay alive because I have hope. That's enough of a reason for today, for the past few days, weeks, months, maybe even years. And I've had the added bonus of blessings of the friends I see more as family, that keep that hope alive.

Only sometimes that hope doesn't feel like enough of a reason, it feels misguided, it wanes with even the smallest bit of negativity leaving someone's lips, not to mention the tragedies that seem to be turning into daily occurrences.

All this to say: I'm lost, I'm confused, I feel like I'm making all the wrong decisions, I'm too easily swayed by my emotions. I'm in love with a man I don't think I deserve & I keep adding to those reasons I don't deserve him. I'm conflicted. I can't decipher between truths and lies. It all feels so pointless sometimes. I don't know. I don't know. I really don't know.