I don't want to fall in love right now. I want lies. I want beautiful and blatant, straight out laughable lies. I want to play pretend, I want a married man. I want something that will so obviously never be mine.
I had it all once, I lost it trying to be what I thought was a decent human being.
But the truth, the absolute truth is that I can't. I cannot subject myself to the feelings of another human being right now. I can't deal with the expectations. They kill me. They leave me emptier than when I began.
I've spent the past several years under the control of men that, truth be told, I never wanted to begin with.
I was so damn scared of being alone. And then I was so damn scared of other people's feelings & of what others thought of me. I gave in every single time. I stayed longer than I should have. I settled for less. I complicated what should have been simple situations.
My bliss was cozying up next to & walking arm & arm on the sand with a man who never expected that I'd be his. Intention is everything. He was there so I could be just a little bit reckless & I was there because he knew chances were, when the night was over, he'd have his happy ending. & as intimate as we were, it didn't get any more complicated than that.
Right now I think I just need the time & the space to figure my own life out. I found myself back in that dark spot, I can't say that I've fully recovered. I considered abandoning writing forever. I'm not convinced my words will ever really matter.
I'm not saying if I happen to stumble upon prince charming I won't go chasing after him, but let's just be realistic. I set myself up for failure for a reason.