I told him I love him.
To be more precise I said something along the lines of: "I'm pretty sure I don't just like you." and eventually: "I'm pretty sure I love you."
And I meant it.
But love doesn't mean anything, it doesn't change things.
So the past week or two I've been feeling a little empty. I feel apathetic? Desensitized? Nothing has really piqued my interest the way it usually does. I've also been having sleep issues. Either I'm waking up in the middle of the night and staying up for hours or I'm waking up feeling like I haven't slept a wink, like I didn't reach deep sleep.
I had the hardest time figuring it all out. Because even though I've had a couple of bad days--days that I just had to crawl under my covers and curl up because everything about who I used to be became too much. I struggle with my past. I hate myself for it. That's a different topic. Even though I've had those days. I knew that wasn't the reason I was feeling off.
And then at 2:30 AM, it struck me.
I gave up on the one thing that I've spent all of my adult life devoted to and believing in.
I gave up on love.
But how can I love if I gave up on it?
Because there's a difference between loving and believing that love is enough, that love is the be all end all.
I don't need him to love me back, I don't expect him to. And even if he does, I no longer believe it means that we have to be together, that we have to stay in each others' lives forever, that we need to make commitments or promises or plans. I won't deny that it would be nice.
But maybe it's just not practical.
Love in the form of partnership is no longer imperative to have the future that I'm working towards; to have the family that I still long for.
Love is not enough for me to stay.
To be more precise I said something along the lines of: "I'm pretty sure I don't just like you." and eventually: "I'm pretty sure I love you."
And I meant it.
But love doesn't mean anything, it doesn't change things.
So the past week or two I've been feeling a little empty. I feel apathetic? Desensitized? Nothing has really piqued my interest the way it usually does. I've also been having sleep issues. Either I'm waking up in the middle of the night and staying up for hours or I'm waking up feeling like I haven't slept a wink, like I didn't reach deep sleep.
I had the hardest time figuring it all out. Because even though I've had a couple of bad days--days that I just had to crawl under my covers and curl up because everything about who I used to be became too much. I struggle with my past. I hate myself for it. That's a different topic. Even though I've had those days. I knew that wasn't the reason I was feeling off.
And then at 2:30 AM, it struck me.
I gave up on the one thing that I've spent all of my adult life devoted to and believing in.
I gave up on love.
But how can I love if I gave up on it?
Because there's a difference between loving and believing that love is enough, that love is the be all end all.
I don't need him to love me back, I don't expect him to. And even if he does, I no longer believe it means that we have to be together, that we have to stay in each others' lives forever, that we need to make commitments or promises or plans. I won't deny that it would be nice.
But maybe it's just not practical.
Love in the form of partnership is no longer imperative to have the future that I'm working towards; to have the family that I still long for.
Love is not enough for me to stay.
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